i have on been on the road for 54 days and have 40 days to go. i am
feeling indulgent and brave in equal amounts and look for answers in the
miles and sleepy wooden houses peeling paint which were once yellow,
powder blue and flaming red through the bus window. my staples have
become chocolate soy milk and bagels in numerous flavours: stay away
from blueberry! and those juices emil points out don't really have a lot
of good stuff in them...but still i like the taste and i like to
believe they are doing me good. lately i have loved and hated in equal
amounts and i have fought the teenager in me to keep the peace in favour
of finer weather and the avoidance of the loss of a peculiar friendship
that i have grown quite used to and value. i have whined until i was
sick of the sound of my own voice. i have surprised myself with maturity
i didn't know i had. i have laughed and cried in the desert but didn't
get sunburnt. i saw wild horses in nevada and ate deep fried oreos at
the NC state fair. i fell apart in san francisco and got stoned to avoid
it all. i grew balls in phoenix and i was strong and beautiful in
cowboy boots that would later cripple me in new orleans. i have doubted
myself into a nervous wreck and flirted confidently with a boy i somehow
missed out on when i was his age. i have been a mother and a teenager
and recalled my age too many times to remember, sometimes proud,
sometimes sad, sometimes with regret, hoping eventually it will fit with
my mindset, my clothes, my face and frame and my dreams. at this point
i am sure of one thing. i am growing and i am not running away...i am
running towards something...
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