Wednesday, October 27, 2010

notes from the road: love, dreams & potatoes: buffalo ny

Last night after a lovely gig, the power went off in Buffalo. Tim and I sat surrounded by candles and watched 'the station agent' on my wee laptop until the early hours of the morning. How I love that movie, the simplicity, the beauty of friendship between such unlikely folk. Such a lovely, quiet movie but with such power.

Before retiring, I read by candlelight a graphic novel on the peoples history of america until I drifted into sleep. There were dreams of love, desire, pain and loss. I awoke, sliding between the two couch chairs and tried to make myself comfortable by placing the cushions on the wooden floor but they kept sliding apart. I didn't sleep too well. I have been thinking too much and my body is too long for two cushions.There have been many questions lately about feelings, intentions, expectations, reactions. In a way, I feel I need to throw these all away and start fresh, but is that possible? Even if I were able to magically transform into a person that was able to be this free there is always the other person and their reactions to deal with.

People keep saying I am brave. Is it bravery or a tireless need to discover something, feel something, figure something out? I just don't know what....What is it? If I start at the beginning, if I strip everything the core, to the essence. Who am I and what do I want from people?When I love, it is not fickle, it does not pass by in a month, a season or a year. It is not something you need to be afraid of, you do not need to feel that I expect anything in particular in return, just treat me with kindness. My love for you means I am here for you and I see your beauty. I don't want it to be complicated or scary, just to let it be.

Right now, I need to travel, I need to experience, I need to taste everything, I need to understand the world, to understand myself but most of all I need to grow. I love the idea of roots, but I am not ready to grow a huge tree just yet but eventually that would be so lovely and I look forward to the time I am ready for it and all that it will bring. BUT right now I  want to get to know you, I want to share with you, I want to sleep with you, have you fall asleep in my arms and lay quietly, listening to you breathe and dream.  I won't ever forget you. I will always come back and spend time with you, just let me have the space I need right now and we will continue to share beautiful moments together.One day there will be a house, I hope to build it with my own hands: dirt, mud, Real, in my hands, dirty hands at the end of a day, satisfied, tired and hungry. The walls won't be smooth. There will be hand prints, fingers smoothing, shells, coloured glass, pretty stones. Inside the bowls and cups will also be made by hand, painted with colours that don't go together, made with love and joy sharing the space with a piano and harp, books and spices. Surrounded by trees, a beautiful garden will grow around the house with carrots, blue potatoes, red potatoes, cabbage for okonomi yaki, spinach, beets, lavender, basil and mint and rows and rows of endless colours, tastes and combinations. There will be fruit trees, maybe oranges or apples, or peaches for peach pie just like Anna makes, raspberries, blueberries, berries I haven't discovered yet. There will be a river or lake for swimming, dreaming, washing, watching underwater creatures living. Many animals will live in this paradise. They won't be pets but friends: hens rescued from battery farms that I will protect from the wolves, maybe some funny sheep or goats, a grumpy horse that will be won over with carrots and bruised apples, cats with dappled coats, dogs with overbites who love life and need a wash but really they don't mind. Will there be children? I just don't know? I need some time to decide but this would definitely be a special place for children, for fairies and eating google buns and pop biscuits under that huge tree while reading the magic faraway tree and the magic pudding. Little hands could stay dirty, knees grazing and tree climbing, constant threats of falling but no fear. Remember when we had no fear?Yes this one thing I know for sure. This place, will be so wonderful...and you, my friend, my lover, my companion will be very welcome because I love you.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

notes from the road: thoughts right now: harrisburg pa to nyc

i have on been on the road for 54 days and have 40 days to go. i am feeling indulgent and brave in equal amounts and look for answers in the miles and sleepy wooden houses peeling paint which were once yellow, powder blue and flaming red through the bus window. my staples have become chocolate soy milk and bagels in numerous flavours: stay away from blueberry! and those juices emil points out don't really have a lot of good stuff in them...but still i like the taste and i like to believe they are doing me good. lately i have loved and hated in equal amounts and i have fought the teenager in me to keep the peace in favour of finer weather and the avoidance of the loss of a peculiar friendship that i have grown quite used to and value. i have whined until i was sick of the sound of my own voice. i have surprised myself with maturity i didn't know i had. i have laughed and cried in the desert but didn't get sunburnt. i saw wild horses in nevada and ate deep fried oreos at the NC state fair. i fell apart in san francisco and got stoned to avoid it all. i grew balls in phoenix and i was strong and beautiful in cowboy boots that would later cripple me in new orleans. i have doubted myself into a nervous wreck and flirted confidently with a boy i somehow missed out on when i was his age. i have been a mother and a teenager and recalled my age too many times to remember, sometimes proud, sometimes sad, sometimes with regret, hoping eventually it will fit with my mindset, my clothes, my face and frame and my dreams.  at this point i am sure of one thing. i am growing and i am not running away...i am running towards something...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

notes from the road: time and friendship: north carolina to pennsylvania

time changes when you are on the road. it slows down and living just feels is concentrated, and pain and confusion become almost unbareable, suffocating almost as there is nowhere to run.friendships are tested and change. sometimes they are lost forever but if you can get through it, then it's kind of like forging steel...reforming a special bond together and these kind of friendships can last a lifetime.