Last night after a lovely gig, the power went off in Buffalo. Tim and
I sat surrounded by candles and watched 'the station agent' on my wee
laptop until the early hours of the morning. How I love that movie, the
simplicity, the beauty of friendship between such unlikely folk. Such a
lovely, quiet movie but with such power.
Before retiring, I
read by candlelight a graphic novel on the peoples history of america
until I drifted into sleep. There were dreams of love, desire, pain and
loss. I awoke, sliding between the two couch chairs and tried to make
myself comfortable by placing the cushions on the wooden floor but they
kept sliding apart. I didn't sleep too well. I have been thinking too
much and my body is too long for two cushions.There have been many
questions lately about feelings, intentions, expectations, reactions. In
a way, I feel I need to throw these all away and start fresh, but is
that possible? Even if I were able to magically transform into a person
that was able to be this free there is always the other person and their
reactions to deal with.
People keep saying I am brave. Is
it bravery or a tireless need to discover something, feel something,
figure something out? I just don't know what....What is it? If I start
at the beginning, if I strip everything away...to the core, to the
essence. Who am I and what do I want from people?When I love, it is not
fickle, it does not pass by in a month, a season or a year. It is not
something you need to be afraid of, you do not need to feel that I
expect anything in particular in return, just treat me with kindness. My
love for you means I am here for you and I see your beauty. I don't
want it to be complicated or scary, just to let it be.
Right
now, I need to travel, I need to experience, I need to taste
everything, I need to understand the world, to understand myself but
most of all I need to grow. I love the idea of roots, but I am not ready
to grow a huge tree just yet but eventually that would be so lovely and
I look forward to the time I am ready for it and all that it will
bring. BUT right now I want to get to know you, I want to share with
you, I want to sleep with you, have you fall asleep in my arms and lay
quietly, listening to you breathe and dream. I won't ever forget you. I
will always come back and spend time with you, just let me have the
space I need right now and we will continue to share beautiful moments
together.One day there will be a house, I hope to build it with my own
hands: dirt, mud, straw...earth. Real, in my hands, dirty hands at the
end of a day, satisfied, tired and hungry. The walls won't be smooth.
There will be hand prints, fingers smoothing, shells, coloured glass,
pretty stones. Inside the bowls and cups will also be made by hand,
painted with colours that don't go together, made with love and joy
sharing the space with a piano and harp, books and spices. Surrounded by
trees, a beautiful garden will grow around the house with carrots, blue
potatoes, red potatoes, cabbage for okonomi yaki, spinach, beets,
lavender, basil and mint and rows and rows of endless colours, tastes
and combinations. There will be fruit trees, maybe oranges or apples, or
peaches for peach pie just like Anna makes, raspberries, blueberries,
berries I haven't discovered yet. There will be a river or lake for
swimming, dreaming, washing, watching underwater creatures living. Many
animals will live in this paradise. They won't be pets but friends: hens
rescued from battery farms that I will protect from the wolves, maybe
some funny sheep or goats, a grumpy horse that will be won over with
carrots and bruised apples, cats with dappled coats, dogs with overbites
who love life and need a wash but really they don't mind. Will there be
children? I just don't know? I need some time to decide but this would
definitely be a special place for children, for fairies and eating
google buns and pop biscuits under that huge tree while reading the
magic faraway tree and the magic pudding. Little hands could stay dirty,
knees grazing and tree climbing, constant threats of falling but no
fear. Remember when we had no fear?Yes this one thing I know for sure.
This place, will be so wonderful...and you, my friend, my lover, my
companion will be very welcome because I love you.
