Depression vs Emaline - round three

In 2008 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and was given several types of medication. It was explained to me that I could never lead a normal life and that I must avoid stressful situations at all costs. I was also told that sadly the reason I never reached my full potential was likely because of my bouts of depression but that I had done extremely well considering that there is Bipolar and Schizophrenia on both sides of my family as well as the fact that I had suffered from quite severe mental and physical abuse in my childhood which has definitely shaped the way I see the world and how I behave. I've had two breakdowns in my life, both triggered by being in abusive relationships though luckily for me, only mentally abusive. As I say this it sounds strange to say luckily...but it could have been worse. A year after being put on medication I decided to go off the meds because I had put on a lot of weight and found myself living in a fog of exhaustion, sleeping around 15 hours per day and losing my creativity, the only thing I felt I had at the time and could count on. The last straw came when so intoxicated by the medication I fell down the stairs and that was my wake up call. It was then I decided (along with the feeling of not being there and even having suicidal tendencies in response to these meds) that I would take myself off the medication and learn as much as I could about how the brain works and replace the meds with vitamins, healthy food, better living and learning how to be mindful and manage my anxiety through dabbling in buddhist teachings/podcasts and yoga. That and trying not to allow negative, damaging people into my life. (That took a few tries :P)

It's been an uphill battle but somehow I have managed to get myself through a couple of mentally abusive relationships without having a breakdown and finding the self esteem to eventually walk away as well as the difficult path of deciding to become a musician in 2010 and pursuing that path full time ever since. Last year I had a really difficult year. I didn't know how I would make it through but I am so lucky to have found an amazing person who has been there for me no matter what. I feel like in my life I never had that before so it's been sort of strange and at times I wondered what was in it for him and questioned if he had an ulterior motive. But it seems no, he doesn't. Not all people are damaged and in turn damage you. That was a revelation for me to learn. Seems like such a simple notion now and to him I am so grateful.

So I have made it this far but over the last 6 months as 2017 turned into a repeat of 2016 with money problems, car problems, housing problems and more I have been finding I am coping less and the strategies I had for making it through don't seem to be working anymore. It's become a lot harder to make a living from music because of a lot of changes in the industry (people not willing to pay for live music / venues not willing to pay / GEMA / styles / other factors) and I'm only just starting to get my head around that and working on ways to adapt so I can continue doing this thing that has saved me so many times I have lost count.

But I am struggling with life. Lately my depression feels like it's surrounding me and my anger and anxiety have become daily features of my personality which is something that makes me so sad to see after all the work I have done on myself. I've not given up, I just feel I need to express myself. It's easy to wonder what's wrong with you when on social media you constantly see posts from people who seem to be living the most wonderful lives full of happiness, success and fulfillment. It's easy to wonder, am I the only one who feels either nothing or a mild dread most mornings when I wake up? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal and happy and just get on with things like everyone else? That's a question I've been asking myself for most of my adult life but it stopped for a few years when I was more on top of things. Now the darn question has returned. I don't know what I am trying to achieve with this post. I just want to get it out. I also know logically I can't be the only one who feels like this or who has to live with this kind of illness that can't be cured. They told me I had bipolar. I still don't really agree because my symptoms were also partly due to being in that abusive relationship but I do know that I have some kind of mental illness, a deep well of depression that I could fall into at any moment if I am not careful. So I will keep on fighting, keep on struggling, trying to find new ways to mend myself so I can get back up again and enjoy life. I really want to enjoy life. I am different than I was in 2010. I understand that my brain doesn't always work properly and I am aware of this. I am trying as hard as I can to remember that when I start to feel the darkness climbing under my skin. I am grateful that I even have this awareness. Again it could always be worse. I am trying to focus on the positive things. There are a lot of positive things, if I could only see them sometimes…GRRR :)

If you feel the same, I hope this post brings you some comfort and maybe we can share tips and tricks. If you don't understand what it's like to live with depression then I hope my words can give you some insight as to what your friends or family may be going through and maybe you can be an anchor for them when they need some stability and someone to keep them safe until they get through the storm. Hugs to anyone who needs one. x

Oh and I should also thank my cat. Over these past 8 years he has kept me going. The touch of his paw on my skin or his little head against mine when things were really bad has given me great comfort.

Day Two in the Faroe Islands: The Village of Nólsoy

Day Two in the Faroe Islands: Today I caught a ferry to the village of Nólsoy which is about 4km east of Tórshavn. It has around 200 inhabitants and some stunning views. Tonight I am staying here overnight and am very tired from the intense walk I took down a steep hill and then up another through sheep paddocks to get these photos. It was so rainy and windy for most of the walk that it kept nearly knocking me over making it extremely hard to take photos but here a couple of the good ones that I hope you like. As I sit here writing this, the wind continues to thrash about outside. Feels like I am in a ship.

Which reminds me, my favourite part of the walk today was when I was at the foot of the magnificent rock and somehow a few times I walked into a patch of stillness not affected by the wind. When this happened I took the time to stop and catch my breath and marvel at how very far away I felt from the rest of the world.

#faroeislands #nólsoy #wild #winter #sheep #singersongwriter

Day One in the Faroe Islands: Recording at Studio Bloch

Day One in the Faroe Islands: Today I had the pleasure of going to Studio Bloch in the Faroe Islands where the wonderful Eivør has done some recording. It's a beautiful space and from the moment I played the piano I knew it was the best choice to come here and record my song 'Turmoil of Winter' which is about my own experience with depression. It's been raining and very windy since I arrived yesterday so the setting seemed perfect and I am pretty happy with the songs we got down today.

After the recording, Theodor the engineer and I were invited over for dinner by the owner of Studio Bloch and I had a very nice time learning about the Faroes, drinking rum and tea and jamming with the local talent. Now after a big couple of weeks and a long day of recording I am falling into my bed very tired.

#faroeislands #recording #singersongwriter 

#faroeislands #recording #singersongwriter

The Saddest Polar Bear In The World

Animals don't belong in Zoos, Circuses or Aquariums.
They don't deserve to be caged in pens where they cannot turn around and never get to see sunshine or breathe fresh air. They do not deserve to be kept as slaves for our amusement nor abused, raped and killed so we can indulge ourselves.

There is nothing we can say or do to justify the way that animals are treated in our modern society. Absolutely nothing and it sickens me. My fellow human beings sicken me. I feel such despair every day when I see articles like this or pigs in a truck on the highway with such sadness in their eyes that sometimes it's so overwhelming I begin to panic. I feel absolutely helpless. I have no hope.

Nearly every day I ask myself: How can people close their eyes and heart just so that they can continue being part of a selfish cycle that's not only causing so much pain to fellow sentient beings, but also destroying the earth and lining the pockets of big corporations, giving them even more power over us and society?

How can anyone justify being part of THIS and be OK with themselves?

http://www.reuters.com/article/us-china-polarbear-idUSKCN12R17E

#animalrights #animalabuse #animalwelfare #animalcruelty

A dose of nature for Mental Well Being?

Been feeling quite down lately as well as dealing with weird reoccurring illness shit. Trying to figure out what helps to lift the mood including some diet changes, upping vitamins, some exercise, walks etc but realized something. When I am in my little garden tending to the veggies and fruit some kind of peace comes over me. Today I just sat for 5 minutes while a plump bee did his rounds inspecting each yellow cucumber flower for some treats and buzzed as he moved to the next one. For 5 min I just peaceful and forgot the fog that often clouds my brain and the weight that's so heavy it makes me exhausted.

  I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in 2008 and even though I don't think I have this as my symptoms don't fit, I obviously have a life long mental illness that can pop it's head up at any moment to bite me in the ass. It affects my daily life, it affects my creativity and the ability to get as much done as I would like to. Each day is a challenge to keep moving and not let the cloud engulf me. Obviously nature is some kind of key to me coping better so I think I have to push myself out into the woods more often and see what happens. For those of you out there also fighting your own battle with mental illness. You're not alone x.
‪#‎iamnotashamed‬, ‪#‎nature‬, ‪#‎depression‬, ‪#‎sicknotweak‬, ‪#‎mentalhealth‬

May travels to Germany, Austria, Switzerland and Liechstenstein

We have been gallivanting all around Europe during May playing shows in Germany, Austria and Switzerland with a few days off in Liechtenstein: my favourite of the smaller countries.

Thanks to everyone who came out to one of the shows at the Stuttgart Vegan Street Day Festival, Widnau Switzerland, Emsiana Kulturfest in Hohenems Austria, Wasserburg Germany, Bregenz and Schwaz Austria. Also thanks go to people who put us up and fed us in Switzerland, Austria as well as in Liechtenstein. We are grateful for your hospitality.

Lowlights:

* Getting a cable car to the top of the mountain in AT and realizing we couldn't see a thing
* The lack of decent vegan food at times which meant I was often hungry
* The rude guy at the Wasserburg show
* Never having enough time to spend with everyone we liked
* The awful pain in our legs after a wet 3 hour hike down a mountain the next day
* Not so great sound on stage at a couple of locations
* Hotel breakfasts....ugh. Never any vegan options. And that reconstituted orange juice.
* Saying goodbye to the mountains....and all the cats :P

Highlights:

* The weather held out for most of the tour so we got to take some hikes and walks
* Staying with a vegan couple in Stuttgart who had rescued Chinchillas from a fur farm
* Container/dumpster diving in Switzerland with my Liechenstein friends
* Making lunch with all the rescued food the next day
* All the cool people in Hohenems Austria. You're all bonkers, in a good way. :)
* Bike riding to the Rhein in Liechstenstein
* All the cats we met along the way

* The mountains
* The care package of local beer, chocolate and marmalade from Das Ladenlokal in Widnau
* Playing a Bösendorfer piano in Schwaz
* Vegan strudel @ Strudelhof in Magdeburg
* Leaving a note about a mouldy lemon in a shop window in St Gallen Switzerland

How it all Began

5 Years ago exactly to this day I began a great journey, hitchhiking from Toronto to Vancouver with only $20 in my pocket eventually teaching myself enough guitar that I could live from shows. Right now I would have been sleeping in Desbarats Ontario and by morning I would witness the birth of a cow and then head out onto the country road to get my next ride.

Within a few days I would be picked up by Jann Arden's brother, share meals with truck drivers, stay with an elderly Christian couple who grew 80% of their own food under Saskatchewan skies in rural fields and give advice to a crying American woman whose son had just come out and she didn't know what to do. In Vancouver I would continue down south sharing shows with my Swedish friend all the way from Portland down to Arizona, Texas, New Orleans and then all the way up to New York and Vermont via greyhound bus for about 6 weeks. This intense relationship would nearly kill me but I would find peace again alone on the road for another 6 weeks bussing West from New York to Portland, seeing old friends and making some new, watching the Autumn colours slip into winter, living off donations and food from gigs in cafes, staying with couch surfers, fighting a two week cold in Cleveland and dragging myself onto the bus again, making it to Portland $200 richer after my host in Boise Idaho pushed an envelope into my hand at the bus station saying, 'we have more than enough, use this to follow your dream'.

From November in Portland I stayed in a house with some art students for a few weeks and fell in love like a dumb teenager. We watched The Walking Dead, drank too much and they liked my burritos. I pretended I was brave when we said goodbye but the truth is, music was all that kept me going for a while. And I wonder, did he ever put those words into song?

So weird to look back on all of this again, like an alarm just went off in me for some kind of anniversary. Or a reminder to have more adventures. Or both.

5% of CD sales to the following animal charities for Early August

For the first handful of shows in Canada during August I gave 5% of my CD sales to the following animal charities. Please check out the good work they are doing to help our animal friends.
https://www.facebook.com/BEDRlife
https://www.facebook.com/reginacatrescue
https://www.facebook.com/groups/235145510019672/

Green Mood Booster Juice

Some of you know that I have battled with pretty serious depression since my early 20's. With a lot of hard work and life changes I have been able to get it to a manageable level over the past few years but I still have some pretty tough days. One of the things I believe is that a healthy diet can do wonders for the mind. I did a lot of research on this topic and came to the conclusion that a diet high in raw and uncooked foods can be really beneficial for people who suffer from depression and mood disorders, especially people with bipolar and ADD because of how the brain chemistry works. 

Over the past few months I began to eat a lot more uncooked foods, then smoothies and now I juice as much as I can. A lot of people scoff at this but I can tell you that for me when my diet is loaded with fresh fruit and veg, it really makes a difference to my mood. It's such a shame that when you go to the doctor for depression the first thing they usually do is push pills on you, pills that cause side effects loaded with chemicals that we have no idea how we will be affected by 20 years down the line. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a person is in such a bad state that they need a little help short term for their own safety, but this should only be used if there is no other option and more safe, logical and healthy options should also be advised by the doctor. A friend recently told me that doctors only have a few days of training in nutrition as part of their training which for me is crazy. I think it's important they know more about nutrition and how the body and mind works in relation to this. But if they can't arm us with the knowledge to help ourselves, then we need to take matters into our own hands and educate ourselves. 

So if you're feeling a bit down try this for a few days. Even if you don't have a juicer you can make do with a big salad bowl, a giant strainer or sieve and a wooden spoon to push the juice through the pulp. Honestly, it only takes 15 min of your time and how long would you spend cooking a delicious meal? 15 min to improve your mood and supply you with lots of vitamins and minerals that will help your body every day doesn't seem like a lot now does it? 

Healthy Boosting!

Green Mood Booster Juice

1 cup spinach or nettle 

1 pear

big slice of yellow watermelon

1/2 lime

big chunk of ginger

small handful of lemon balm

half cucumber

1 apple

little water to help it blend

Change the amounts to your liking and tastes. Blend for a few minutes, pour into sieve and strain, compost the little pulp left over, drink and reap the benefits.

Dear Maya Angelou.

Thank you for your beautiful words, hope and wisdom. Thank you for your endless light, energy and fierce strength. Thank you for fighting for and giving voices to African American women and men for over 50 years and countless others. I've been reading your poetry and books since I was teenager and 'I know why the caged bird sings' never failed to give me comfort when I felt alone, hurt and lost. Thank you for giving me the seeds in learning to believe in myself. You will not be forgotten. R.I.P

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

Maya Angelou

I just wanted give a shout out to everyone this past week who helped organize a gig for us, gave us a bed, cooked us a meal, showed us around their town and came to a show. Lukas Creswell-Rost and I had a lovely time in Switzerland, Austria, Liechtenstein and Germany are very grateful. Thanks and see you again. Oh and for those of you who wanted to know more about Luke. You can find him here: www.facebook.com/lukascreswellrostmusic and listen to his newest track at soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/lukascreswellrost

I took this photo in a field on the mountain in Feldkirch Austria. Such a beautiful spot.

 

And 5% of CD sales from April shows go to...

I raised a little money from my CD sales in April for the following animal charities in Germany and Austria. Please check them out when you have a chance as they really need your help! https://www.facebook.com/StadttaubenprojektFrankfurt
https://www.facebook.com/wildtiere.in.not
https://www.facebook.com/Ein.Herz.fuer.Streuner

On the way to see Tori!

Tori Amos Tonight in Berlin!

That moment when you're a teenage girl, lost and trying to find your own voice and you first hear Precious Things by Tori Amos and you're like, YES! YES! you understand me and I understand you. You're fierce, yet delicate and you're not afraid to show us your heart, your pain and you have no shame. Not anymore. It's been over 20 years Tori. Thanks so much for helping me through the darkness. See you tonight!

Performing at the Liverpool International Music Festival in August!

I'm very happy to announce that I will be playing at the Liverpool International Music Festival @LIMFestival 2014 http://www.LIMFestival.com/ #reveal#LIMFsummerjam !
http://www.limfestival.com/summer-jam/emaline-delapaix

The Kind Life

I'm trying so hard to be a better human being because I don't want to hurt anything or anyone. I'm not perfect but choosing to be vegan, starting a little garden and buying cruelty free is my own personal big step in the right direction. Every day I hope I can learn something new to live a kinder, more aware, and gentle life. A life I can be proud of. I urge everyone to avoid supporting companies that test on animals and watch this beautiful video to remind us all how dogs deserve to live; with grass under their paws, playing and jumping in the sunshine. Not locked up in cages in dark rooms being tested on so people can have their lipstick and washing detergent. We all have the power to make beautiful changes in the little choices we make each and every day. http://www.onegreenplanet.org/news/beagle-rescue-delivers-nine-dogs-from-the-lab-to-loving-homes-video/

Anti Capitalism - Fight it with every day choices and with your veggie garden!

Yesterday I went to Kreuzberg in Berlin and saw a march against capitalism. For me it seemed a little ironic that many people in the parade were wearing clothing brands that are known to exploit their workers and take advantage of people in poorer nations so that we can have cool sneakers. 

I know that no one is perfect and it's really difficult to live in our society without it affecting someone, somewhere in a negative way. That's how governments and corporations have set up the system to work but hey, here's an idea. Why don't we start our own little revolution at home by planting a little garden in our yard or on our windowsills or balconies? Some things are relatively easy to grow such as lettuce, tomatoes and herbs and there is nothing more powerful or satisfying than picking and eating your own produce. How much more anti capitalist can you get? 

And to take things further we could waste less food by sharing it with our neighbours and friends through www.foodsharing.de or other online or face to face avenues. We could buy local, supporting people in our own backyard, encouraging small, handmade businesses, folk who enjoy what they do and put time and love into what they create. 

We can trade our skills with other people. I make some soap and you trade me some of your delicious veggie curry. Reduce the use of money! Like my music and want to trade some handmade CD's for a handmade scarf or a couple of jars of Dandelion Honey? Awesome. I would love to! There is so much we can do at home to fight against capitalism, living our lives more responsibly, connecting with people and making things more beautiful. Please feel free to share your ideas here too!

Photo taken from http://www.myclimatechangegarden.com/blog/uk’s-five-million-flats-offer-600-acres-of-growing-space

5% of CD sales from shows this past weekend donated to shelters near Dilsberg, Saarbrücken and Trier

This past weekend I donated 5% of CD sales to local animal charities where I played in the areas of Dilsberg, Saarbrücken and Trier. Check them out if you're in any of theses areas as they all desperately need donations of food, blankets, supplies as well as money. You can also foster or adopt a new friend as well!

http://www.tierschutz-wiesloch.de
http://www.tierheim-saarbruecken.de
http://www.tierheimtrier.de

Three Years Ago

It was nearly 3 years ago that I moved to a caravan in rural eastern Germany near the Polish border to become a full time musician and to find myself again after being lost for so long. I moved in on Christmas Day with my Canadian cat Reece and 'Caravan Magdalena' was supposed to be our home for 6 months but our time there stretched into nearly 1 1/2 years until finally we made our home in Berlin. During my time in Mecklenburg Vorpommern I wrote songs and practiced my instruments in a tiny space, read a lot, learned about and collected wild herbs and grew 35 plants from seed. I learned to relax properly for the first time in my life, learned how to live without a toilet and how to insulate an old caravan that was literally falling to pieces. I got to know and like myself and came to terms with the bits that I didn't like as much. I finally got my depression to a manageable place without the use of pharmaceutical drugs, or doctors through a change of diet, lifestyle, and mindset. I also became vegan and often shared my bed with my cat and 2 cats from the neighbouring house to keep warm during winter. What an amazing and challenging period of my life that was and even though it wasn't always easy I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the quiet moments I had with myself and nature.

Magic and Friendship

Today a dear friend will arrive from a tiny island in Canada to visit me. She is a singer/musician with a beautiful soul and will join me to sing back up vocals for a couple of shows this week in Berlin and Hamburg, so I hope some of you get to meet her. She was there for me through one of the hardest winters of my life. We often spend so much time searching for magic but fail to see it when it is right there in front of us in the form of loyalty and friendship. If we could just open our eyes.